Thursday, January 19, 2006

Around Atlanta-town

Atlanta, GA Stuff
“There’s more to us than opening day.”
Roosters © News ® Agency ™ Updated Jan. 19, 2006

Atlanta, GA – According to local school systems in the Atlanta, GA area, Michael Jackson’s newly formed children protection company, “Let’s Hold Hands” has been awarded the “Securing the Needs of Atlanta Children Happily” or S.N.A.T.C.H. initiative. Atlanta Mayor Shirley Partridge Franklin appeared at a press conference yesterday with children and presented her message in song. Singing an original song, “You Can’t Touch Me There without my Lawyer Present” the mayor and her backup group of six children got rave reviews from the audience. Glumplet Brodestoy the general manager of Retro Clothes of Atlanta sponsored the event and thought it was a smash. “It was so easy, tasteful… excuse me, I have to cry.” Glumpet’s business partner Cumglumpet added, “The clothes of the late sixties and early seventies never really faded away. Mayor Partridge proved that today.” When asked who these children belonged to, he said, “I don’t know. I was told to find six children, so I just grabbed them up from local schools, waved some candy and cash and we made the deadline.”

S.N.A.T.C.H. will focus primarily on touring area schools and reviewing their procedures for protecting school children via perimeter fencing, licensed on campus teachers and nurses, Polaroid cameras for every adult working there and an overweight tall mean looking guy to walk around and frown at people. The estimated cost for this program is around 3 or 3 gazillion dollars.

Critics of S.N.A.T.C.H. claim this is a waste of money and that the true way to protect children is to protect them. “We’d rather the school system spend the money in ways that will enrich the lives of our chillens. We want to join the rest of the USA in protecting Tony The Tiger commercials on SpongeBob Squarepants. Cereal makes our children fat.”

Near Atlanta, GA – Several days ago local authorities in conjunction with the FCC and Ollie Abernathy, III issued a statement that some really mean guys escaped from a local prison and were nasty enough to use the bathroom in Ollie’s back yard. Ollie’s neighbor, Winstina Winston took the advice of her five year old daughter, scooped up the increment excrement and placed it in a bowl of Wendy’s Chili. While Ms. Winston says the “Bowl of Poop” from Wendy’s was served to her that way and that her daughter was repeating something she heard on television. “My daughter’s magarine – anation is very broad sided. She makes up a lot of stuff. She once told me she knows who her daddy is. Shoot, I don’t even know who he is.”

Ms. Winston has filed a 3 million dollar law suit against Wendy’s. Wendy’s could not be reached for comment, but did say in a written statement, “We’re changing the name of our chain to Peter Pan’s. next Wednesday.”

Monday, January 16, 2006

Not Fake News Today

"The Art of Pain"
Ang Lee's "Brokeback Mountain" is fearless, bold and a cinematic landmark.

I remember first hearing about this movie last year and reading articles of how some "in-the-know" Hollywood heavy hitters predicted that Jake Gyllenhaal's career was going to meet with a certain death after "Brokeback Mountain" opened. Submitting to the pop culture by producing meaningless unfunny comedies or slasher movies for the sake of a quick buck apparently sets the standards for bad predictions. Regardless of the outcome, Mr. Ledger and Mr. Gyllenhaal chose to participate in a movie about the human condition; and just as scary and dangerous as Jack's and Ennis' lives were, these actors proved they are fearless and have earned their place as powers not to be tossed about during producers' power lunches prediction hours.

Neglecting your soul and the ramifications that accompany that depravation provides the core foundation of this brilliant achievement in story telling. From the outbursts of violent behavior, the crying while vomiting, and forcing yourself to deprive yourself of the one true light in your heart shapes all of the moments in Brokeback Mountain. The temptation Mr. Lee must have had to focus the pain on the two characters thankfully did not come to fruition. Mr. Lee's finely tuned sensibilities allowed every character in this movie an opportunity to submerge into the intense pain of starving souls.

The wives of these men, their children, Ennis' father who probably killed a gay man, and the men who probably killed the other gay men in this movie are reverberations of how powerful love is when it has to be let out and isn't.

And when Ennis visits Jack's parents, their pain of never knowing or understanding their son brings to mind that denial of the true soul each of us has been given affects people in places we may not even realize.

The violence is the physical expression of the hidden anger and is necessary to be told in "Brokeback Mountain". I imagine most of the gay bashers and haters are internally angry that they cannot express their true desires for love. That is the message I took from this exquisite film. If one person sees their soul as wounded as the characters and decides to do something good to fix it, I'm sure all the creative energies involved in bringing this to life will be grateful.

Monday, January 09, 2006


Movieplex X’s Love Story
“Let’s tell young people there is something wrong with true love”.
Roosters © News ® Agency ™

Somewhere, UTAH – A movieplex outside of Salt Lake City announced late last week their decision to not play the love story epic, “Brokeback Mountain”; obviously reflecting the lack of intelligence of its management. How could management book the movie and then cancel the showing on the day it was too start? By not knowing anything about movies in general. “Brokeback” has already won numerous awards and is nominated for seven Golden Globes, including Best Picture.

According to an official statement by management, they wanted to show young people there is something wrong with this story. But of course, showing movies like “Hostel” where innocent people are tortured to their deaths is permissible. Perhaps management could say, “There is nothing wrong with showing innocent people slaughtered for no reason, but there is something wrong with two people in love. We are outstanding Americans who are concerned for the well-being of youth, and make no mistake about our intentions: “Murdering innocent people, nothing wrong with that: Two people in love, BIG TIME PROBLEM.”

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Lohan, Hilton and Simpson Team Together

Roosters News Agency Updated Jan. 5, 2006 8:53am E.S.T.

Hollywood, CA - Early this morning, representatives of Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton & Jessica Simpson announced these three popular girls have decided to become one big fat star. "In lieu of gazillion internet searches, overpaid salaries, and general lack of individual brain power, we realized at a party the other night we'd better serve ourselves as one person. So, from now on, please refer to us as The Three Ami-ho's."

When questioned by reporters as to why they would name a single person "The Three Ami-ho's", Paris Hilton responded, "We're still three people, just one."

"OK, like last week, Jessica and I met for lunch, and there were like two sets of picture takers. It took forever. With one set of picture takers we wouldn't have to smile as much," said Lohan.

"And there would be less number of picture takers there," added Simpson.

"Plus," Simpson added, "I'm so tired of people asking me if I am a cartoon. Do I look like I'm a cartoon? When did you last see a cartoon walk around? 'Roger Rabbit', and that was a long time ago. Was I born then? Get my PR person on the phone and find out my birthdate."

When a reporter asked about dating and marriage, Lohan replied, "the guy will marry all of us so to cut down on confusion."

Simpson added, "Yes, less confuding. Besides, I could've benefitted with Nick. He never brushed his teeth and I had to go to a psychic to figure out about Colgate."

During the press conference, Hilton stared straight ahead and didn't say too much. At one point Lohan asked Paris if she was ok, and she said, "Yes, I'm okle dokle. I was just wondering... my last name is the same as the name of that hotel across the street. I wonder if I know the owner. And, does anybody know who Holly Dayin is? She seems a bit cheap, but I like the fact you can pay for the room with cash under a different name."

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Nobody Knew Katrina was Gonna Be Icky

Roosters New Agency updated Dec. 21, 2005 at 8:20pm E.S.T.

WASHINGTON, DC - In a new report released by The Weather Intelligence Committee for Katrina (W.I.C.K.) leading experts reported that during the five days Hurricane Katrina brewed in The Gulf Of Mexico, the satellites used to track the wind that was blowing provided misleading information.

"This is very disturbing. After spying on leading Democrats and Barbra Streisand, my Sherlocks have concluded that the only possible way the Katrina thing wasn't deemed a threat at first was due to interference by aliens from another galaxy. It makes perfect sense. Didn't that Star Wars DVD come out around the time that storm blew over a few houses?"

Dr. Hughouphlin Muddlebucket, the entity who supervised the investigation said in a prepared speech today, "These findings ought to make one thing clear to all Americans, Bush can no longer be blamed for screwing up, and neither can FEMA or anyone else. I mean, if aliens hadn't tricked us into thinking the storm wasn't gonna be a doozy, well..."

When asked just how aliens were to blame, Dr. Muddlebucket replied, "They were racing through our atmosphere trying to snatch up that Star Wars movie, and they blew our satellite pictures askew."

Bush added, "I have asked Congress to investigate where these aliens is from, 'cause, Mericans will not tolerate aliens and the planets that horbor them. We will declare them terrorists. And, if there is proof they is from a place with hydrocarbon resources, you can bet we'll find something wrong with their leaders and remove them from office."

WICK's report indicates that Katrina was maybe a category 3ish or a weak 4ish hurricane. "We give it a 3.82, which means we've knocked off 1.18 points for wind power. Therefore, we calculate a negative 1.18 of responsibility; or we will lower the number of dead people associated with this storm by 1.18 percent. Let's take an even number, eleven. Divide 11 by 1.18 percent gives us 932.20. So, if 11 people claim they died as a result of that storm, we subtract 932.20, hell, let's round it up; we subtract 1000 from 11 and the total number dead that the US Government will claim responsibility for is - 989. So, actually, because of DVD hungry aliens, nobody died during Katrina.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Bush's Newest Slant on Terror

"Gay-themed movies, Democrats' Lawyers, and Travel"
updated Dec. 14, 2005 07:50am E.S.T.

WASHINGTON, DC - President Bush revealed his new blueprint for what "All Mericans needs to noe ...'what makes terror terror'".

Ang Lee's critical darling "Brokeback Mountain" has been listed as the number one terror threat facing America. "Ang Lee isn't even American and he made the movie in Canada. This is clearly an act of terrorism not only from The Orient, but also from The Canadant. Using furriners and furriner lands to depick the great Merican cowboy as a butt lovin' homo deeply threatens to rip apart the moral fabric of our great land." President Bush went on to suggest that "the same Christians who boycotted Disney and made that company close should do the same to furreen made butt buddy movies about cowboys."

When Dokly Rewpout of the Canadian Bacon told Bush the Walt Disney Company is still in business and doing better than ever, Bush replied, "Well, Walt is dead, so there."

Following Ken Lay's declaration that "Democrats and their lawyers attempts to expose how I laundered money from Enron and completing depleting the 401k which in turn wiped out the retirement dreams of all my employees is an under-handed act of terror. It's old news people. And yet, these terrorist lawyers won't grow up and let it go." Bush's number two threat of terror against the USA has been listed as, "Demo Homo Lawyerz".

President Bush then added, "I've been traveling around the world, and there ain't nothing like Merica. Don't travel anywhere but here. Go to Florida, see Mickey Mouse-" A reporter quickly spoke up, "I thought you said Disney was evil and a threat to the moral fabric of America?" The unidentified reporter was escorted away by the Secret Service and was reported to have commited suicide shortly after. Bush clarified, "The Mickey Mouse in Florida is good. The one in California is bad."

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Rove Explains It All For You

"Krazy Karl" Debuts on Broadway
"Electric. Intelligent. This was the first time I saw a play, and it won't be the last"
Posted by Roosters News Agency Updated Dec. 3, 2005 09:43am E.S.T.

New York, NY (A Helluva town) - Standing Room Only at the brand new G.W. Bush Theatre at 48th and Eighth Avenue was sold out last night as over seventy-five people packed the fifty seat theatre to bear witness to the premiere of Karl Rove's one man show, "Krazy Karl".

Krazy Karl used this venue to explain to people the truth behind everything in his work, his home life, his church life, and his bout with fountain sodas. "I've never been a glutton for anything. I blame convenient stores and buffet style restaurants for my addiction to carbonated beverages. And there are no twelve step programs for this disease. Did you know that soda pop is bad on the kidneys and livers?" Gasps from the audience and a few teary eyed sobs followed his Coca-Cola confession.

Particularly poignant was his monologue addressing his function in The Bush White House. "I am in control of this press. And things were going along well enough until Hurricane Katrina blew over. I once could make up any story I wanted, but since the destruction and death occurred on American soil, too many blabber mouths from The Gulf Coast took up a negative campaign against me. They said I was a liar. None of those stupid illiterates down there understand politics and the freedom of artisitic press." After pausing to blow his nose in a tissue, Krazy added, "And now nobody will let me buy press space in Iraqi newspapers. How am I supposed to spin the news without the news? Brother, can you spare a crime?" At that moment, there was a three minute standing ovation.

President Bush attended the performance and gave a brief speech after: "This was my first time seeing a play. I want to see more now. But not "Rent" or anything with fags and AIDS. I want to see The Rocksexes at Radio Sin Music Ballroom. I think an evening of long legs kicking up and down flashing little red underwears would be what plays is about."

"Krazy Karl" is scheduled for a five day limited run. Tickets are available.