Monday, October 31, 2005

Bush Bangles

Bush Attempts Emergency Call
“I got confused. Was 9/11 the number or the terrorist thingy?”
Roosters © News ® Agency ™ Updated Oct.31, 2005

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Several telephone operators stationed in the basement of The White House today suffered nervous breakdowns after trying to help President Bush with emergency calls. White House Telephone operator Sandra Yelfkstone, who agreed to speak to Roosters News anonymously, said, “He kept screaming into the phone that he was under attack, great danger, danger!” Sandra and three other operators informed The Department of Homeland Security that the President was under attack. When asked how the DOH responded, Sandra shook her head and said, “We got through to a main voice mail and left a message. When we hear back from them we’ll let you know.”

A representative from The DOH had this to say, “Due to the Federal government’s failure to meet Congressional deadlines aimed at better securing our country from terrorists as dictated after 9/11, we are unable to take your call at this time. However, your call is very important to us. Please listen to the entire message, as our voice mail options have changed. The following options apply if you are on actual American soil. Satellite countries, embassies, territories do not count. If you think you see a terrorist, press pound one. If you think you are a terrorist, press pound two. If you think you are suspicious of yourself becoming a terrorist, press pound three. If you are seated in an airplane, with more than three passengers flying over American soil and you think there is a terrorist on board, press pound four. If you are not on American soil, or flying over American soil, and you think you or someone you know is a terrorist, we really don’t care. Thank you for calling The Department of Homeland Security.”

White House insiders told Roosters News today that President Bush was having a panic attack in lieu of the tremendous mess he and his buddies have created. Plus, he went to his private ATM machine this morning before heading to the game room for a few Ms. Pac Man games, and found out he had a negative balance. Certain he was under attack; he picked up a house phone and started punching in numbers. The operators always dial for him, but he was too far gone to listen to anyone, and kept picking up, dialing, cussing, picking up, dialing, and cussing. During one his hysterical outbursts, he said, “It’s a huge Katriska blowin’ on me!”

Dr. Rosy Dawn, the official shrink to The White House, would only make this comment; “Imagine if you are the leader of the free world. No, go ahead and do that. Relax, close your eyes, and imagine you are the leader of the free world. You don’t have a care in the world. You spend all the money you want, you have thousands of young men and women killed and/or mamed and fix it so that no pictures are ever shown on the news, you take more vacation days than anyone else, and one day you wake with no Ms. Pac Man money? Have a heart people. It’s not like he broke up the marriage of Brad and Jennifer.”

Friday, October 28, 2005

Bush Made a Ha-Ha

Record High Oil Co. Profits
“Show me da money.” – President George Bush
Roosters © News ® Agency ™ updated Oct. 28, 2005 at9:42am EST

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The White House announced today the President Bush was heard giggling and laughing for the first time since returning from his record breaking vacation on Aug. 29, 2005. And he has every reason to be gleeful today. Halliburton announced their earnings are up $499 million raising stocks .82 per share.

White House Chief of Big Talk, Scottie McKey, said in a press conference this morning, “Although Georgie isn’t a stockholder; Vice President Dick Cheney has fixed it so if Dick is dead or in prison, Georgie gets to run Halliburton.” Roosters News learned that when Dickie was in the hospital recovering from knee surgery, he lost out on a “Go Fish” card tournament with Georgie, and the ante was Halliburton.

Speaking to Roosters anonymously, Franco Gilbertoz, the Chief of Landscaping and Dickie’s closest confidante, said in this interview, “Cheney knew going in to the “Go Fish” game that Bush would lose. He’s a really big dumb-dumb.” And with indictments about to take Scooter away for a while, Cheney is certain to be next.

The Oval Office released a statement this morning explaining the President’s current situation; “President Bush returned late last night from Florida, and told everyone help would be rapid. He slept a full night and this morning is planning another trip to Crawford. With all the scandals going on, he needs to separate himself from everyone else. His biggest fear right now is being pointed at.”

Sandy Clam, White House Reporter for Roosters, asked, “How could the President take another vacation with all the chaos going on in D.C., in the south, and around the world?”
McKey replied, “Because he can. And what’s it to you? I don’t see you running the world.”

In an unrelated news item, Sandy Clam of Roosters News called Roosters Headquarters from an unidentified phone claiming she was abducted by aliens from the planet Urethra and would not be back anytime soon.

If anyone knows anything, please contact Roosters News Agency:

The Office of Abducted Reporters by Either Aliens or FBI/CIA Agents
21009283 Losta Mya Assa Way
Suicide Business Park
Cult City, NC 24901
Or call us on your dime at: 1-999-COCKNU2 (15.99 first three minutes, 15.89 each additional minute after), or email us at:
http://www.suicide-murder_governmentcoverups@sonofabitch.gov/

Thursday, October 27, 2005

U2 Can be a Judge!

Open Application to Supreme Court, Plus Emergency Cash Flow Crisis
“See if you qualify for a really cool job” Roosters © News ® Agency ™

Washington, D.C. – The White House today announced President Bush’s latest approach for selecting nominee for not only the Supreme Court, but for anything that needs a nominee. “I’m fed up,” Bush said during his regular early morning tidily winks playing session. “Seems like more and more of my time is taken up trying to find someone who’ll return my calls, and then when they do, they don’t want to be nominated for anything. Then I start all over again. And, I get made fun of in the news. So, from now on, we’re going to use the innernets and let the people nominate. The first application is targeting potential nominations to replace Sandra Dee Conners. It is called, ‘Operation Bench Bitch’.”
Some of the highlights from the O.B.B. application are being exclusively reported here for the first time.
· Is you for or not for Roe V. Wade? [1]
· Is you a woman or not a woman?
· If you are a judge, what did you judge last? Any Olympic experience?
· Do your last name look and sound like a real Merican’s?
· Has you done baby-sitting work in your past? Experience with twins?
· Are you married? If yes, can you still come over and play on weekends?
· What church do you tell people you attend?
· Do you soften pretzels with dark or regular beer?
In an unrelated story, Washington insiders are running like “a scared little girl who found herself lost in the woods being chased by football players with big tight muscle asses and big thick baskets.” They are frightened not only by all the indictments about to come down, but this morning, Greenspan was packing his office and noticed that what he thought was a decimal on the latest financial report, was actually remnants from the fresh pepper he grinded into his sausage – venison – lobster – egg/cheese – pancake roll up for breakfast a few months ago. After a series of frantic phone calls, he finally managed to reach the President’s nanny, who was just finishing reading him the book, “I Go Potty Myself.” After Greenspan explained that not only was The United States Treasury more broke than thought, President Bush remarked, “Dang nabbit! I got any vacation days left this year? I wish I ain’t taken em all! Cause now I’s could needs ‘em. Dang, dang, DANG!”

In a late morning interview, Greenspan read from a prepared statement, “The President is sourcey. If not seven minutes, or seven days, give him seven weeks.”

Shortly after that statement, Roosters News received fourteen phone calls from various Washington, D.C. brokers reporting some lunatic resembling the president was calling about interest rates on refinancing The White House.

[1] In a separate report, Bush commented on Roe V. Wade, “I don’t unnerstan the big deal. Some people stay in a canoe, some take a dip.
Study’s Suggestions Spur Swift Sanctions
“Smoking, dieting, detergents, & cable television can be harmful.”

Roosters © News ® Agency ™ Updated Oct.27, 2005

Washington, D.C. – The Federal Drug Administration (FDA) published several reports and in an unusual action, shared them with the general public. Over a period of ten years, five different government sponsored studies employing over 62,000 contract employees investigated through exacting scientific research tools, the effects of soap, carrots, cigarettes, and the cable television foray into the 200 + channel system.
At a cost of 143,900,456,292.03 and utilizing a now empty 356,098 sq. mile lab/warehouse, the results are not only going to help Americans, but “… make our days a little bit brighter and all”, as said by Twendle Hysterm, the contract Director for these studies.

SMOKING: Our smoking team studied four adult smokers between the ages of 11 and 99. Each smoker smoked on average 1.5 packs per day of Marlboro Menthols. At the end of the tenth year, we can only conclude from the data the following:
a) Twenty-five percent of the population will die sometime after the age of 99 and before 109.
b) Fifty percent of the population will develop itchy eyes if the room they smoke in has no windows. When itchy eyes are not treated, these conditions will lead the person to fits of violence, often leading to urinating on someone’s foot.
c) Twenty-five percent of the population will develop their menstrual cycle at the age of 13.

DIETING: Our diet team studied three adults between the ages of 15 and 43. Each dieter ate veggie burgers, carrot juice and Boston crème pies. At the end of the tenth year, we can only conclude from the data the following:
a) Eating has something to do with gaining weight; while conversantly, not eating has something to do with not gaining weight.
b) Those that wore a shower cap tended to lose weight. The belief is with a shower cap, you tend to bump into things a lot, and after a few good hits to the head, hospitalization is required and the food there always sucks.
c) Most people who are fat because they are.

SOAP: Our soap team studied, blah, blah, blah. Conclude:
a) If you swallow soap, there is no guarantee that your internal digestive system will be fully cleaned out. You have to follow up with rinse water.
b) Soap that doesn’t lather up can only be found wrapped in tight little thick paper packets, sitting on the tub in Marriott hotels.

CABLE: Our, blah. Results.

a) Remote controls do not mean they must be stored at a remote location. You can set them on your coffee table.
b) With over 400 channels available, most people flip through all of them just in time for the half hour to end, thus beginning the start of new shows on every channel so you can flick through again, and never watch anything.
c) Modern television sets can no longer support and play television shows filmed in black and white. The color doesn’t translate.
Glasses Could Be the Answer
“If you can’t see, then you can’t see.”
Roosters © News ® Agency ™ Updated Oct. 26, 2005

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A private investigative committee concluded yesterday that President Bush not only has taken the most vacation days of any President in US History, but remarkably has surpassed the “maximum allowed blunders” as well. Nervous members of Congress yesterday sent emails and left phone calls for members of the committee demanding to know exactly what could happen when Bush makes his next blunder. In an effort to maintain the “expected levels of chaos and non-organization”, the committee assured Congress that measures have been enacted to thwart any future Presidential flubs.

“We believe Bush needs glasses,” remarked the chairman of the committee. “Upon data examination, we’ve noticed that Bush reacts to issues in a normal way, so the problem is his perception. For example, when he was told hurricane Katrina was a huge storm with potential damage, he took a walk to the weather room, took a look at the satellite images, and said,” That ain’t no big storm. I’m still on vacation.” On a separate occasion, when reviewing the budget, he thought he had only blown 5.5 billion dollars, not 5.5 trillion dollars.”

Laura Bush added, “My husband knows the difference between 5.5 billion and 5.5 trillion. It’s a comma. But, I’ve been telling Georgie to get glasses for years. When he fell off his bike, it was because he couldn’t properly judge the street distance and find the brakes. When he almost choked on the pretzel, it was because he couldn’t see how big a chunk was in his mouth. He thought Tony Blair’s memo read, “We can’t find WMD’s anywhere, actually read, “We can’t find WMD’s if we don’t go there. That’s also why he fumbles his words. It’s not that he says words wrong, he pronounces them as they appear to him on the teleprompter.”

When asked if he would take an eye exam and be fitted for glasses, Bush replied,” They’d make me look positively goofy. No thanks. “

Reaction on Capitol Hill was unanimous. Bush’s vision has been added to the axis of evil and a congressional vote will be held on Friday to decide if the US Military will invade his corneas.

Bible Faces Overhaul

Bush Becomes Chief Bible Editor

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After reviewing over three thousand hours of Katrina and Rita hurricane video footage, officials from the US Government conclude that “water is the number one cause of floods.” In a scathing report, “Operation: How Do Floods Be?” several officials apologized to the Democratic Party and Barbra Streisand for earlier blaming them for the floods.

“This is very educational, “said Bill Frist.

An oval office memo was handed to the press this morning, with an official response from Bush, “I am in shock. I mean, it goes back to edge-a-cue-tation. My Sunday school teachers said, “It rained for 400 days and nights as Nonnahness built his really big arch.” I mean, come on folks, 400 days is just about a whole year, and how many of us ever saw it rain all the time for almost a year? And, then, the next paragraph talks about the big arch with the barnyard zoo on it. Well, folks, a new paragraph means a new thought. So, just like all other Merican’s the Bible don’t really relate the year long raining to the big flood. Now do it?”

Furious over what Bush calls, “bad grammaratical eviolations in the Bibel , Bush has decided to edit the bible. “Only iffen when a new idea comes up, then a new paragraph comes along two. Who know, the bibel could be one big fat paragraph?”

Meanwhile, experts from The National Center for Weather are not only demanding funding to build a really big umbrella for the United States, but are also seeking over 500 billion dollars for an educational campaign aimed at teaching people that conversations about the weather should no longer be considered trite.

In unrelated news, Halliburton spokesperson Dick Cheney announced today that his company is prepared to build a national umbrella for 3,999,000,000,000,000,000. 88.

McDonald's Health

McDonald’s to add Nutritional Info Labels
“You’ve got to see it to believe it!”
Roosters © News ® Agency ™
Updated Oct. 26, 2005 12:35pm
Chicago, ILL – The McDonald’s Corporation announced earlier today that soon all food products they sell will come with nutritional information on labels. “We are tired of being sued by all these fat people,” said CEO Jim Skinner. “Hopefully this will counter any liability on behalf of McDonald’s. Oh sure, there were some “negative Nancy’s” on the board balking at the additional expense, but I assured them we’d pass that cost along to our customers. Our philosophy here is providing the same customer service for everyone, no matter how fat and oily the customer is.”

In early label trials, independent scientists hired by McDonald warned of potentially dangerous situations.

Namely:

A) The glue from the labels is less capable of performing their “sticking” function when met with a greasy French fry paper container. After a period of time, regular patrons of the fast food giant will develop what one researcher called, “Bubble gummy stomach lining”. Also, they risk gluing the roof of their mouths to their tongues.
B) Employees of McDonald’s will have to be taught enough English to at least be able to answer any questions patrons may have.
C) Regular people who are mostly idiots have not the first clue about what food products are nutritional or not. “If I can eat it and I don’t throw it back up, then its nutritional,” said Gertzy McClennan of Flopty, Indiana.
D) Sometimes McDonald’s managers get stumped on math and end up having to stuff Big Mac’s into Quarter Pounder with Cheese boxes. Well, that’s a problem. The Big Mac is three times more likely to cause a heart attack than a Quarter Pounder with cheese.
E) You can’t stick a label on an ice cream cone, cause eventually the patron will eat the cone and most of the plastic wrap once used to hold it in their flabby fingers.

Mr. Skinner dismissed the findings in this report by saying, “Oooops, sorry. You guys failed to put a nutritional label on the cover of your report, and these days, if it doesn’t say how much fat is in it, nobody in this company cares.

In an unrelated story, former President Bill Clinton refused to do any more trips for victims of natural disasters citing that in the areas he’s visited thus far, “you can’t even get a burger and fries, man. Everything is closed and all.”
Kleperfleck Grout is a guy who writes about stuff for Roosters