Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Bush Believes Bears Bob-bob-bobbing
“Studies show they are no longer at risk of extinguishun. Let’s go huntin’.”
Roosters © News ® Agency ™

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Bush Administration on Tuesday announced that it plans to remove federal protections for bears in the areas around Yellowstone National Park.

In a speech Bush made while touring some foreign country that nobody really cares about, the President praised the bears’ return back to “target status”.

“The bear was almost faced extinguishun. Almost. Coming to grips with the possibles that in a short time, there would be no more of them left, hunters agreed to shoot other animals and wait until the bears regroupsed.”

Bush then added, “I am asking Congress to consider removing trees and big rocks from the endangerous lists because the time has come for Merican’s to dig their own oil and stop relating to furriners for it. So, the only patriotitical thing we can do is destroy our National Parks.”

Dr. Haflte Bung, Dean of The College of National Parks at Virginia Tech, quicky responded, “By suggesting Americans start digging for gold in our National Parks, President Bush reminds us once more of just how quirky his mind is.”

Dr. Carol Bailey, Dean of The College of Quirkiness at Virginia Tech, added, “I think labeling President Bush’s mind as quirky undermines the credibility of truly quirky thinking people. Bush is a chronic liar and isn’t quirky as much as delusional.”

Dr. Simon Hodgepodge, Dean of the College of Delusion at Virginia Tech responded, “President Bush is made of many dysfunctions. Is delusion one of them? Hard to say. He doesn’t seem to have a grip on reality.”

In an unrelated news item, President Bush has declared war on Virginia Tech. But, since they are now playing NCAA Football in the ACC, he wants to hold off any invasions until after the VA Tech vs. UVA game.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Pat Robertson Pens Biblical Addendum
“It was like God said, ‘Hey Pat, grab a pen and a pad of paper and high tail it into my office.’”
Roosters © News ® Agency ™ Updated Nov. 11, 2005

DOVER, PA – Pat Robert, evangelical guru and undoubtedly the “third eye” of Jesus, the host of CBN’s 700 Club, announced today that, “God has some additions for the Bible, and chose me to be his channeler.”

The Bible 2008 is set to roll off the publisher’s trucks sometime in the next week, and already some people are itching to own a copy. The Rev. Jiminy Flootzerhofkin of Trout City, TN told Rooster’s News Agency, “This is historical. Historical in that this is the kind of stuff history is. For the last few thousand or so years, everybody thought, ‘Hell, the Bible is a done deal,’ but I guess it ain’t no more. Where would we be without Rat Pobertson.”

During a speech today in Dover, PA, Pat Robertson warned the citizens of that community that by voting out school board members that promoted “Intelligents Dezines”, not to be surprised when an angered God wreaks havoc and chaos to “all who sin here”. He then added that over the last few days, God has been dictating what was initially supposed to be a brief memorandum that has become several pages. Among several of the new items that God personally must see added are:

· AIDS was not created by God to punish gays, it was created to prevent Gays
· The time has come to put an end to allowing young boys the freedom of expression, mainly via tears. This crying shit is throwing off the natural balance and before too long, all men will end up gay
· Women can no longer use pain killers and drugs to by-pass my original doctrine stating clearly that, “because she took that apple from SATAN, her woo-woo must be ripped into a gazillion little pieces when she gives birth.”
· “Intelligent Design” opponents will face my wrath on earth and Satan’s fire tools in Hell
· Making fun of Christian US Presidents is an abomination in my eyes, and folks that do so will be punished justly. Making fun of non-Christian US Presidents is allowable and encouraged.
· Marriage between anything other than a human man and a human woman is just plain sick, folks. I mean, get a daggone clue, will ya? When a man sticks his reproductive tool inside another man’s poop machine, you can’t make no babies!
· Pat Robertson knows all that is Holy

Kleperfleck Grout is a renouned writer of stuff and a contributing free-lanced writer for Roosters News Agency.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

College Freshman In The Know
“The D.C. in Washington, D.C.? Read what young scholars say.
Roosters © News ® Agency ™ Updated Nov. 10, 2005

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a random polling of collegiate freshman, The Roosters Opinion Poll has uncovered what could be the most disturbing report to come out of Ivy League Colleges since it was revealed that George Bush attended and graduated from one.

Freshman students at Harverd, Yail, Printston and Brownie were asked the following questions by Roosters Polling Service, and be warned; the answers are odd and a bit icky.

A) What does the DC in Washington, DC stand for?
· 27% said, “Dick Cheney?”
· 25% said, “Da City?”
· 20% said, “Defense Central”
· 18% said, “Don’t Care”
· 10% said, “Is that the capital of Washington State or the state?”

B) Who is President Bush?
· 94% said, “New porn star?”
· 6% said, “President of something, right?

C) Southpark is…?
· 91 % said, “In Colorado”
· 9 % said, “Where gays go to cruise for sex.”

D) What is the capital of Florida?
· 50 % said, “Florida isn’t a country”
· 42% said, “Anita Bryant.”
· 8 % said, “The Citrus Bowl”

E) What school are you attending right now?
· 99% had no answer
· 1% said, “I haven’t gotten a bill yet, so how should I know?”

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Scooter & Delay Want TV Show
“We’re already household names.”
Roosters © News ® Agency ™ Updated Nov. 8, 2005

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Tom Delay and Scooter Libby are currently seeking representation from The William Morris Agency or from Creative Artists Agency. “Our prison terms are sure to be longer and more dynamic than Martha Stewart’s,” said Tom Delay. Libby added, “Plus, all she did was some insider trading. That’s kids’ stuff compared to what we did. Or what they said we did.” Going on the severity of their possible guilty verdicts and prison terms, they are confident their stories will be newsworthy and consequently translate into high ratings for a television show.

“We’re not sure how long we’ll be in the slammer, but one thing is sure; once we get out, people will want to watch our show,” Libby said in a prepared speech outside one of his vacation homes.

Representatives from Creative Artists Agency could not be reached for comment. The operator at The William Morris Agency laughed so hard we think she required oxygen.

“We’ve left several messages for Mark Burnett and Valerie Cherish,” said Delay.

Investigators for Roosters News confirmed that Mr. Burnett “might talk to them about a reality show, but only if they are convicted first.” Also confirmation that Valerie Cherish is a fictional character was declared by Roosters.

“Uh, you’re wrong, buddy. Valerie Cherish is filming a reality show for HBO. If she wasn’t real, they’d be calling it a Fake-Ality Show. DUH,” said Libby.

“We’re already planning the format. We want to have a different guest star every week, and show footage of the rehearsals and then top off the evening with a big Broadway Show Stopper Type Musical Finale,” said Guy Flyman, the show’s tentative producer. “We’re in negotiation currently to steal, or get the rights to stage ‘One’ from ‘A Chorus Line’ as the series debut’s finale.”

Libby and Delay then performed a two person kick line to that song before Delay sprained his back and had to be carried off in an ambulance.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Bush Seeking Halliburton Money

Bush Seeks More Disaster Relief Money
“As I understand it, Iraq is in a bit of a mess.” G.W. Bush
Roosters © News ® Agency ™ Updated Nov. 7, 2005

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A UN auditing board has recommended the United States pay as much as 208 million dollars to Iraq for over billing or shoddy work performed by a subsidiary of the US oil services firm Halliburton. “What next?” asked Bush during a luncheon today at Sesame Place Children’s theme park in Langhorne, PA. During “Big Bird’s Beach Party” Scotty McKey whispered into George’s ear that the UN had attacked Accounts Payable on the Federal Level because of Halliburton’s terrible work in Iraq. After staring straight ahead for a record seven and a half minutes, George got up from his chair, asked for a few cookies to go, and left the theme park.

In an impromptu speech to the press, Bush suggested that he would ask the “good citizens of Merica and Louisiana” to donate money to help pay the bill. “Good folks of this county, in times of disaster, you’re shown your help. Another disaster has befalled us. Cheney’s company over charged Iraq and now we have to pay for it. Don’t let Merica look bad to the rest of the world. Donate now. Hey, take the 23 cents per gallon you’re now saving on gas and send that to us. I’m going to declare Iraq a disaster area and see if I can get some money to pay back that bill, but Congress has been really mean lately, pointing at me, whispering behind my back, throwing parties and not inviting me, so I really don’t know if they will help.”

Dick Cheney could not be reached for comment. Actually, he couldn’t be found. According to his office, “Scooter Libby knew all the secret addresses and phone numbers for Cheney when he went hiding. We called Libby and he said,” I’ll share that information only if you drop all charges.”

In an unrelated news item, a man disguised as Richard Nixon tried to fly out of Miami International Airport today. International gate agents let him all the way through the screening process until he was seated on American Airlines Flight 8098. When the flight attendants did a cross check before closing the aircraft’s main entrance door, Holliday Newton remembered that Nixon died a while ago. Confronting the man, he screamed loudly, ran off the plane, through the airport and down a manhole.

If anybody has any leads on who this might be, please contact:

Miami International Airport
Department of “Almost Got-A-Way”
Dade County Investigators Office
Miami, FL 33333-3333

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Brownie's Breakfast Bonanza

EX-FEMA Director Non-plussed
Yes, Virginia, non-plussed.
Roosters © News ® Agency ™ Updated Nov. 3, 2005

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Amidst criticism surrounding EX-FEMA director Michael Brown’s email correspondences during hurricane Katrina’s devastating attack on New Orleans, “Brownie” held a press conference today from his South Florida vacation home, out by the pool.

“Take-A-Dip” was the theme for this early morning impromptu gathering. With a miniature replica of The Superdome missing shingles as the centerpiece for mimosas, Brownie invited guests to help themselves to as much champagne and juice they wanted. Flanking each side of The Superdome were twenty foot long banquet tables. To the left, “Big Easies” – a buffet of Andouille, Courtbouillon, Dirty Rice, Grits, Gumbo, Jambablaya, & Muffuletta. To the right, “Sunny Sins” – a buffet of strawberries with double cream, oyster soup, southern baked apple with double cream, Eggs Bayou Lafourche, Oysters Brownie, Brownie’s Seafood Okra Gumbo and Crepes Fitzgerald.

When asked if he was expecting more than five guests for this meeting, he looked up from his plate and said, “No. Why?”

After a few hours, someone suggested we get to the press conference.

Jay Ditleflaugher of the Faison Follower asked, “Brownie, is it true you sent emails about your clothes and finding a dog sitter while Katrina was blasting though the Gulf?”

After a rather long silence, Brownie looked up from his laptop with a huge grin on his face. He announced that he found a great dog sitter, a deal on four Barney’s dress shirts for 799.00, and I just got a great deal on my car insurance.

In other news, Hollywood’s elite roster of overly paid socialites held a secret meeting of a newly formed group, “Operating Pow-parazzi”. Determined not to let rumors run wild about couples dating, breaking up or getting pregnant, they collectively decided to an emergency “Stay Where You Are” measure. SWYA started last night at 1am PST and will continue until the day after the 2006 Academy Awards. Strict rules are to be followed: No break-ups or divorces; no coming out of the closet; no getting pregnant; if you are pregnant, no giving birth until March 2006; no affairs; no engagements or weddings; and for God’s sakes, keep Angelina Jolie the hell out of California.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Bush Bangles Baseball

Anti-steroid Lecture Brings Down Hotel
“It’s gonna take more than prayerin’s folks.” - Bush
Roosters © News ® Agency ™ Updated Nov. 2, 2005

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Bush reiterated his comments from Oct. 4, 2005 concerning steroids and baseball today during a working breakfast with Major League Baseball players, “I think steroids should be banned from baseball.”

Speaking in front of the major Major League Baseball Players, Staff and Personnel, at the Jack Elliott Plaza Palace Suites Hotel's Ballroom, Bush called steroid use, "... a sad axis of evil drug," Allan “Bud” Selig, the Major League Baseball Commissioner, stated, “I guess George Bush meant minor league or academic baseball. MLB banned it three years ago.”

“Let me finish, Bud. Uh… steroids sound a lot like asteroids. We all saw that Bruce Willis movie about the big one from outer space. And, well, one of those could wipe out a stadium. So, I think asteroids should be banned from Major League Baseball. And more prayer. Without prayer, is sin. Sin is evil. And, I know first hand about evil, and boy, even with my connections to the big guy, I had to step back and let him wash clean New Orleans. So, if a city doesn’t have faith based initiatives, no baseball.”

After a rather long silence, President Bush added, “Is this thing on?” And started tapping the microphone with his fork. Not understanding technology, he breached the integrity of the microphone, shocking himself, and causing the lights to go out in the banquet hall.

A secret service official, whose name will be kept secret because Karl Rove likes him, reported, “There was a sense of mass chaos. The President was face down on the floor and breathing. Because of new directives, we immediately decided this was a terrorist attack and promptly moved the important people to safety. After getting them out, and with the assistance of The Marine Corps, we sealed shut every door to that building, brought in a team of snipers, and have dared anyone to try to come out until we can assess who their ring leader is.”

That was early this morning. With an update, Brot Gret reported just a few moments ago, “The scene outside the J.E.P.P.S.H. hotel is one of uncertainty, but very tense. CIA Intelligence at this time has no information who is behind the assassination attempt of George Bush, but did say this in an earlier interview, ‘They are somewhere inside that building’.”

BREAKING NEWS – From the Roosters News Agency Wire – The hotel in Washington, D.C. was just completely bombed by the United States Military.

In an unrelated story, Major League Baseball has suspended operations due to the sudden deaths of all of their black players.

Flu Prevention - Tips and Tricks

DHS – FEMA – Bush – Angelina Jolie
No, Virginia, you’re not playing the $100,000 Pyramid.
Roosters © News ® Agency ™ Updated Nov. 2, 2005

WASHINGTON, D.C. – “Every once or so forth, your President will make a miscalculatored decision. I’m human, one of them philosocrates said, “To err is human but forgiveness means you’re inhumane. All American’s hear the call, be inhumane and help save this country from errs,” said President Bush this morning to his stuffed animals. Babs, the mother, supervised George’s play time this morning. “George means to say,” said Babs when George interrupted, “They heard me. Ain’t like I speak Texican.”

The President’s meeting this morning was used as a launch pad for initiatives about to be implemented today. - The Dept. of Homeland Security will release today recommendations on ways to prevent getting any flu this winter.

* Do not go to places where foreign birds hang out.
* If you see a bird, move in the other direction.
* If you see a suspicious bird, call your local law enforcement.[1]

Determined not to make any more mistakes, FEMA announced how they will help American stay flu free.
· Go through your video/DVD collection and through out any copies of any of the following movies: Birdy, The Birds, The Birdcage, and The Thornbirds. Studies have proven birds flock to these screenings.
· Have plenty of duct tape and water on hand.
· If a gaggle of birds attack you, hide under your desk.

Praising the pre-emptive measures of DHS and FEMA, President Bush added;
· Keep your children home from school. Not only will this save gas, but it’ll help preserve fuel supply.
· With the water and duct tape, every cityzen should run out and buy a brand new SUV.
· Go to Florida, have a vacation.
· Blame Cindy Sheehan for the flu. (I’m tired of her coming around)
In a special Congressional session held last night, federal employees agree that if you feel anything coming on, cold, flu, floods, etc., just get up from your chair and shout out three times, “Angelina Jolie, Angelina Jolie, Angelina Jolie.” Just her name alone can break up anything.

[1] Due to a bankrupt government, this may not apply in certain cities, and in some cases supplies are limited so it’ll be a first come basis thingy.