Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Nobody Knew Katrina was Gonna Be Icky

Roosters New Agency updated Dec. 21, 2005 at 8:20pm E.S.T.

WASHINGTON, DC - In a new report released by The Weather Intelligence Committee for Katrina (W.I.C.K.) leading experts reported that during the five days Hurricane Katrina brewed in The Gulf Of Mexico, the satellites used to track the wind that was blowing provided misleading information.

"This is very disturbing. After spying on leading Democrats and Barbra Streisand, my Sherlocks have concluded that the only possible way the Katrina thing wasn't deemed a threat at first was due to interference by aliens from another galaxy. It makes perfect sense. Didn't that Star Wars DVD come out around the time that storm blew over a few houses?"

Dr. Hughouphlin Muddlebucket, the entity who supervised the investigation said in a prepared speech today, "These findings ought to make one thing clear to all Americans, Bush can no longer be blamed for screwing up, and neither can FEMA or anyone else. I mean, if aliens hadn't tricked us into thinking the storm wasn't gonna be a doozy, well..."

When asked just how aliens were to blame, Dr. Muddlebucket replied, "They were racing through our atmosphere trying to snatch up that Star Wars movie, and they blew our satellite pictures askew."

Bush added, "I have asked Congress to investigate where these aliens is from, 'cause, Mericans will not tolerate aliens and the planets that horbor them. We will declare them terrorists. And, if there is proof they is from a place with hydrocarbon resources, you can bet we'll find something wrong with their leaders and remove them from office."

WICK's report indicates that Katrina was maybe a category 3ish or a weak 4ish hurricane. "We give it a 3.82, which means we've knocked off 1.18 points for wind power. Therefore, we calculate a negative 1.18 of responsibility; or we will lower the number of dead people associated with this storm by 1.18 percent. Let's take an even number, eleven. Divide 11 by 1.18 percent gives us 932.20. So, if 11 people claim they died as a result of that storm, we subtract 932.20, hell, let's round it up; we subtract 1000 from 11 and the total number dead that the US Government will claim responsibility for is - 989. So, actually, because of DVD hungry aliens, nobody died during Katrina.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Bush's Newest Slant on Terror

"Gay-themed movies, Democrats' Lawyers, and Travel"
updated Dec. 14, 2005 07:50am E.S.T.

WASHINGTON, DC - President Bush revealed his new blueprint for what "All Mericans needs to noe ...'what makes terror terror'".

Ang Lee's critical darling "Brokeback Mountain" has been listed as the number one terror threat facing America. "Ang Lee isn't even American and he made the movie in Canada. This is clearly an act of terrorism not only from The Orient, but also from The Canadant. Using furriners and furriner lands to depick the great Merican cowboy as a butt lovin' homo deeply threatens to rip apart the moral fabric of our great land." President Bush went on to suggest that "the same Christians who boycotted Disney and made that company close should do the same to furreen made butt buddy movies about cowboys."

When Dokly Rewpout of the Canadian Bacon told Bush the Walt Disney Company is still in business and doing better than ever, Bush replied, "Well, Walt is dead, so there."

Following Ken Lay's declaration that "Democrats and their lawyers attempts to expose how I laundered money from Enron and completing depleting the 401k which in turn wiped out the retirement dreams of all my employees is an under-handed act of terror. It's old news people. And yet, these terrorist lawyers won't grow up and let it go." Bush's number two threat of terror against the USA has been listed as, "Demo Homo Lawyerz".

President Bush then added, "I've been traveling around the world, and there ain't nothing like Merica. Don't travel anywhere but here. Go to Florida, see Mickey Mouse-" A reporter quickly spoke up, "I thought you said Disney was evil and a threat to the moral fabric of America?" The unidentified reporter was escorted away by the Secret Service and was reported to have commited suicide shortly after. Bush clarified, "The Mickey Mouse in Florida is good. The one in California is bad."

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Rove Explains It All For You

"Krazy Karl" Debuts on Broadway
"Electric. Intelligent. This was the first time I saw a play, and it won't be the last"
Posted by Roosters News Agency Updated Dec. 3, 2005 09:43am E.S.T.

New York, NY (A Helluva town) - Standing Room Only at the brand new G.W. Bush Theatre at 48th and Eighth Avenue was sold out last night as over seventy-five people packed the fifty seat theatre to bear witness to the premiere of Karl Rove's one man show, "Krazy Karl".

Krazy Karl used this venue to explain to people the truth behind everything in his work, his home life, his church life, and his bout with fountain sodas. "I've never been a glutton for anything. I blame convenient stores and buffet style restaurants for my addiction to carbonated beverages. And there are no twelve step programs for this disease. Did you know that soda pop is bad on the kidneys and livers?" Gasps from the audience and a few teary eyed sobs followed his Coca-Cola confession.

Particularly poignant was his monologue addressing his function in The Bush White House. "I am in control of this press. And things were going along well enough until Hurricane Katrina blew over. I once could make up any story I wanted, but since the destruction and death occurred on American soil, too many blabber mouths from The Gulf Coast took up a negative campaign against me. They said I was a liar. None of those stupid illiterates down there understand politics and the freedom of artisitic press." After pausing to blow his nose in a tissue, Krazy added, "And now nobody will let me buy press space in Iraqi newspapers. How am I supposed to spin the news without the news? Brother, can you spare a crime?" At that moment, there was a three minute standing ovation.

President Bush attended the performance and gave a brief speech after: "This was my first time seeing a play. I want to see more now. But not "Rent" or anything with fags and AIDS. I want to see The Rocksexes at Radio Sin Music Ballroom. I think an evening of long legs kicking up and down flashing little red underwears would be what plays is about."

"Krazy Karl" is scheduled for a five day limited run. Tickets are available.