Thursday, January 19, 2006

Around Atlanta-town

Atlanta, GA Stuff
“There’s more to us than opening day.”
Roosters © News ® Agency ™ Updated Jan. 19, 2006

Atlanta, GA – According to local school systems in the Atlanta, GA area, Michael Jackson’s newly formed children protection company, “Let’s Hold Hands” has been awarded the “Securing the Needs of Atlanta Children Happily” or S.N.A.T.C.H. initiative. Atlanta Mayor Shirley Partridge Franklin appeared at a press conference yesterday with children and presented her message in song. Singing an original song, “You Can’t Touch Me There without my Lawyer Present” the mayor and her backup group of six children got rave reviews from the audience. Glumplet Brodestoy the general manager of Retro Clothes of Atlanta sponsored the event and thought it was a smash. “It was so easy, tasteful… excuse me, I have to cry.” Glumpet’s business partner Cumglumpet added, “The clothes of the late sixties and early seventies never really faded away. Mayor Partridge proved that today.” When asked who these children belonged to, he said, “I don’t know. I was told to find six children, so I just grabbed them up from local schools, waved some candy and cash and we made the deadline.”

S.N.A.T.C.H. will focus primarily on touring area schools and reviewing their procedures for protecting school children via perimeter fencing, licensed on campus teachers and nurses, Polaroid cameras for every adult working there and an overweight tall mean looking guy to walk around and frown at people. The estimated cost for this program is around 3 or 3 gazillion dollars.

Critics of S.N.A.T.C.H. claim this is a waste of money and that the true way to protect children is to protect them. “We’d rather the school system spend the money in ways that will enrich the lives of our chillens. We want to join the rest of the USA in protecting Tony The Tiger commercials on SpongeBob Squarepants. Cereal makes our children fat.”

Near Atlanta, GA – Several days ago local authorities in conjunction with the FCC and Ollie Abernathy, III issued a statement that some really mean guys escaped from a local prison and were nasty enough to use the bathroom in Ollie’s back yard. Ollie’s neighbor, Winstina Winston took the advice of her five year old daughter, scooped up the increment excrement and placed it in a bowl of Wendy’s Chili. While Ms. Winston says the “Bowl of Poop” from Wendy’s was served to her that way and that her daughter was repeating something she heard on television. “My daughter’s magarine – anation is very broad sided. She makes up a lot of stuff. She once told me she knows who her daddy is. Shoot, I don’t even know who he is.”

Ms. Winston has filed a 3 million dollar law suit against Wendy’s. Wendy’s could not be reached for comment, but did say in a written statement, “We’re changing the name of our chain to Peter Pan’s. next Wednesday.”

Monday, January 16, 2006

Not Fake News Today

"The Art of Pain"
Ang Lee's "Brokeback Mountain" is fearless, bold and a cinematic landmark.

I remember first hearing about this movie last year and reading articles of how some "in-the-know" Hollywood heavy hitters predicted that Jake Gyllenhaal's career was going to meet with a certain death after "Brokeback Mountain" opened. Submitting to the pop culture by producing meaningless unfunny comedies or slasher movies for the sake of a quick buck apparently sets the standards for bad predictions. Regardless of the outcome, Mr. Ledger and Mr. Gyllenhaal chose to participate in a movie about the human condition; and just as scary and dangerous as Jack's and Ennis' lives were, these actors proved they are fearless and have earned their place as powers not to be tossed about during producers' power lunches prediction hours.

Neglecting your soul and the ramifications that accompany that depravation provides the core foundation of this brilliant achievement in story telling. From the outbursts of violent behavior, the crying while vomiting, and forcing yourself to deprive yourself of the one true light in your heart shapes all of the moments in Brokeback Mountain. The temptation Mr. Lee must have had to focus the pain on the two characters thankfully did not come to fruition. Mr. Lee's finely tuned sensibilities allowed every character in this movie an opportunity to submerge into the intense pain of starving souls.

The wives of these men, their children, Ennis' father who probably killed a gay man, and the men who probably killed the other gay men in this movie are reverberations of how powerful love is when it has to be let out and isn't.

And when Ennis visits Jack's parents, their pain of never knowing or understanding their son brings to mind that denial of the true soul each of us has been given affects people in places we may not even realize.

The violence is the physical expression of the hidden anger and is necessary to be told in "Brokeback Mountain". I imagine most of the gay bashers and haters are internally angry that they cannot express their true desires for love. That is the message I took from this exquisite film. If one person sees their soul as wounded as the characters and decides to do something good to fix it, I'm sure all the creative energies involved in bringing this to life will be grateful.

Monday, January 09, 2006


Movieplex X’s Love Story
“Let’s tell young people there is something wrong with true love”.
Roosters © News ® Agency ™

Somewhere, UTAH – A movieplex outside of Salt Lake City announced late last week their decision to not play the love story epic, “Brokeback Mountain”; obviously reflecting the lack of intelligence of its management. How could management book the movie and then cancel the showing on the day it was too start? By not knowing anything about movies in general. “Brokeback” has already won numerous awards and is nominated for seven Golden Globes, including Best Picture.

According to an official statement by management, they wanted to show young people there is something wrong with this story. But of course, showing movies like “Hostel” where innocent people are tortured to their deaths is permissible. Perhaps management could say, “There is nothing wrong with showing innocent people slaughtered for no reason, but there is something wrong with two people in love. We are outstanding Americans who are concerned for the well-being of youth, and make no mistake about our intentions: “Murdering innocent people, nothing wrong with that: Two people in love, BIG TIME PROBLEM.”

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Lohan, Hilton and Simpson Team Together

Roosters News Agency Updated Jan. 5, 2006 8:53am E.S.T.

Hollywood, CA - Early this morning, representatives of Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton & Jessica Simpson announced these three popular girls have decided to become one big fat star. "In lieu of gazillion internet searches, overpaid salaries, and general lack of individual brain power, we realized at a party the other night we'd better serve ourselves as one person. So, from now on, please refer to us as The Three Ami-ho's."

When questioned by reporters as to why they would name a single person "The Three Ami-ho's", Paris Hilton responded, "We're still three people, just one."

"OK, like last week, Jessica and I met for lunch, and there were like two sets of picture takers. It took forever. With one set of picture takers we wouldn't have to smile as much," said Lohan.

"And there would be less number of picture takers there," added Simpson.

"Plus," Simpson added, "I'm so tired of people asking me if I am a cartoon. Do I look like I'm a cartoon? When did you last see a cartoon walk around? 'Roger Rabbit', and that was a long time ago. Was I born then? Get my PR person on the phone and find out my birthdate."

When a reporter asked about dating and marriage, Lohan replied, "the guy will marry all of us so to cut down on confusion."

Simpson added, "Yes, less confuding. Besides, I could've benefitted with Nick. He never brushed his teeth and I had to go to a psychic to figure out about Colgate."

During the press conference, Hilton stared straight ahead and didn't say too much. At one point Lohan asked Paris if she was ok, and she said, "Yes, I'm okle dokle. I was just wondering... my last name is the same as the name of that hotel across the street. I wonder if I know the owner. And, does anybody know who Holly Dayin is? She seems a bit cheap, but I like the fact you can pay for the room with cash under a different name."