Thursday, January 19, 2006

Around Atlanta-town

Atlanta, GA Stuff
“There’s more to us than opening day.”
Roosters © News ® Agency ™ Updated Jan. 19, 2006

Atlanta, GA – According to local school systems in the Atlanta, GA area, Michael Jackson’s newly formed children protection company, “Let’s Hold Hands” has been awarded the “Securing the Needs of Atlanta Children Happily” or S.N.A.T.C.H. initiative. Atlanta Mayor Shirley Partridge Franklin appeared at a press conference yesterday with children and presented her message in song. Singing an original song, “You Can’t Touch Me There without my Lawyer Present” the mayor and her backup group of six children got rave reviews from the audience. Glumplet Brodestoy the general manager of Retro Clothes of Atlanta sponsored the event and thought it was a smash. “It was so easy, tasteful… excuse me, I have to cry.” Glumpet’s business partner Cumglumpet added, “The clothes of the late sixties and early seventies never really faded away. Mayor Partridge proved that today.” When asked who these children belonged to, he said, “I don’t know. I was told to find six children, so I just grabbed them up from local schools, waved some candy and cash and we made the deadline.”

S.N.A.T.C.H. will focus primarily on touring area schools and reviewing their procedures for protecting school children via perimeter fencing, licensed on campus teachers and nurses, Polaroid cameras for every adult working there and an overweight tall mean looking guy to walk around and frown at people. The estimated cost for this program is around 3 or 3 gazillion dollars.

Critics of S.N.A.T.C.H. claim this is a waste of money and that the true way to protect children is to protect them. “We’d rather the school system spend the money in ways that will enrich the lives of our chillens. We want to join the rest of the USA in protecting Tony The Tiger commercials on SpongeBob Squarepants. Cereal makes our children fat.”

Near Atlanta, GA – Several days ago local authorities in conjunction with the FCC and Ollie Abernathy, III issued a statement that some really mean guys escaped from a local prison and were nasty enough to use the bathroom in Ollie’s back yard. Ollie’s neighbor, Winstina Winston took the advice of her five year old daughter, scooped up the increment excrement and placed it in a bowl of Wendy’s Chili. While Ms. Winston says the “Bowl of Poop” from Wendy’s was served to her that way and that her daughter was repeating something she heard on television. “My daughter’s magarine – anation is very broad sided. She makes up a lot of stuff. She once told me she knows who her daddy is. Shoot, I don’t even know who he is.”

Ms. Winston has filed a 3 million dollar law suit against Wendy’s. Wendy’s could not be reached for comment, but did say in a written statement, “We’re changing the name of our chain to Peter Pan’s. next Wednesday.”

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